A New Hope

It has been 20 days since my last post.

I am truly sorry. I needed time for myself. I'm still alive, okay?

I have a lot to say, and I don't think I can put them all in one post because you'd be bored to death with nothing but words.

These days, I haven't been able to rest unless I cry myself to sleep and then I wake up really tired and empty. I feel really sad. I also have a physical diary where I write everything and it calms me down to know that I'm getting better as the days go by. I still cry every night, though. But, I know I'll be fine.

Max Lucado

I had followed him in twitter for the longest time. He released a new book entitled: Anxious For Nothing

If you want to purchase this book, link is here.

I was feeling empty for the longest time, and I was worrying about every single day, with my prayer begging God for help, or maybe, the permission to restart my life. I want to go back to square one.

I wanted to read this book, maybe get a little amount of hope so I can continue living because everyday is a battle. It's not available physically where I am, so I can't order it. So, I posted on twitter how I wanted to read the book. I used the hashtags: #AnxiousForNothing and tagged @MaxLucado, hoping he would notice me. Apparently, someone else did.

I cried.

Why would someone notice this post of mine? I sent her an e-mail, not expecting anything anymore since we lived on opposite sides on earth. I was just so thankful that she had noticed my tears. We have been keeping in touch, and she encourages me a lot. She told me her story. As of now, I'm happily waiting for the book. It should arrive between February 19th to March 9th.

I'm happy as I was sending her a letter of thanks. It just proves that the world is small, yet big. Are you on the same page as me? I can't explain it. I hope I can live with a peace of mind. I've been reading the bible every night, and I want to know more about it. I want to understand it more. I know He has the answer to everything.

Pray for me, will you?



Hello.

My name is DANA.

My dream is to travel the world and bring happiness to everyone I meet. To everyone reading this, I pray you are not hurting. Hold on, please.

Let us be friends on Faceboook, Twitter, Instagram.

Planning Again

"Memories takes us backwards; Dreams moves us forward."

 I honestly don't remember when I started to dream about things. I was silent as a child, and I had little to no friends at all. When I was in 4th grade, my dream was to be a chef. When I stepped into High School, I pursued writing and made books which I never published because I was anxious of what people might think of it. When deciding what to major in college, I wanted to take up English but ended up taking Marketing instead. It was a harsh industry with a lot of competitors, and I'm not the kind to create things and sell them.

I transferred to different universities - every semester, I believe? Because I didn't like it. I was running away. People were treating me less than I deserve and I couldn't breathe. I only had, like, 3 friends. That was enough, of course. But, we were taking up different courses, so it was hard. I was an irregular student so I had to take up classes with different people to catch up. It didn't bother me, unless it was a group project. Then, I transferred to my current one, where there are less than 500 enrollees. Dream come true? Yes and no. If it was few, I didn't have to worry about classes, but I'll be easily seen then I would need to interact with them. I hate it. I lasted for 3 semesters, the longest one.

Summer came, and I went into the training school in our church. They were teaching us the fundamentals of the bible and what serving really is. We studied about history and all that stuff, and I enjoyed it, a lot. I had found something interesting. I thought it was easy, but it wasn't. There were a lot of stuff I had never thought of until it was taught to us, so I was really fascinated. I wanted to finish this and graduate here, and ultimately bring into action everything that I have learned.

So I planned.

I envisioned how to do things. Little did I know I only kept on planning, never doing. It was hard. I never knew how much trouble our pastors must go through everyday. Everyday has different plans of its own. I was scared of carrying people on my back, I could preach in front, but that was all I wanted to do, after going down, please don't bother me. Of course it doesn't work that way, right?

So, I decided to write down the things I really want to accomplish. I am really determined to finish this and working hard was a prerequisite. Then, I came to another realization. I need money to fund my activities. But, where do I get this? We had planned a mission exposure in Thailand on October 2017 and I don't have anything. I prayed to God to direct me somewhere. A place where I can share the gospel and get money at the same time.

Long story short: I got into one, made friends, became depressed again because it was toxic inside, messed up my body clock, got to Thailand, return and resign. And here I am at home, writing.

I always write down the plans that I had and envisioned them in my mind. And at New Year's Eve, I wrote one again. It was a fresh start for me, and I want to accomplish the goals I have set for myself. I saw a video on YouTube about people writing down their regrets.

People were sad. They weren't able to pursue their passion or do things before their loved ones passed away. But then, the creators gave them an eraser. I had learned that it is never too late. Do the things you love, so you wouldn't have any regrets. I want to do the same. I want to look back on my memories so I can remember what happened. But I also want to look forward. I want to dream more. No, I will dream more. I will plan for my it and DO IT. I know I will experience hardships and disappointments, but I will keep on moving forward. So that someday, when I step into the spotlight, I will tell people how I managed to be happy, and I will smile alongside them as I drink a cup of coffee with them.

To those who are reading this, I pray that you are not hurting nor crying. Everything is going to be okay. If it isn't, then it's not yet the end. There will always be a rainbow after the storm. Do not waiver. Let's have a cup of coffee and talk about life.

Keep Moving Forward,
D A N A


D/N:

Keep on living. Never lose hope. There are people who understand. I will be your friend.

Let's connect online!

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Facebook [https://www.facebook.com/ApaulleDanielle/]
Twitter [https://twitter.com/Apz_Dana]

My Hopes For Today

Day 3 of 365

Breathing is so hard these days. But, it can't be that way forever. I texted one of the people who gave me a book last year. He replied saying he couldn't remember me so I need to give out clues. I did and he replied, "Ah, now I remember. I had a word for you. The pretty girl!!" I smiled. I was happy. It was for a brief moment, I became happy, though he had forgotten for a moment. At least he remembered eventually, right?

You want to know what his words to me were? We were talking about nations and missions then he gave me a book about THE NINE GIFTS OF THE HOLY SPIRIT Volume 1 & 2. It was from Derek Prince. If you guys want to check about this more, just visit their website:

Derek Prince Ministries

I was happy I had a connection to him. I felt like this was also a puzzle piece. He gave me the book, and before I completely left, he called out to me and said he got an impression from God saying I will be travelling all over the world to encourage other people. Please also note that I have not said anything about myself being a missionary or my dreams of travelling. Guess what? I cried. In broad daylight, as people left the building. I was at the entrance. He prayed for me. He prayed and asked God to give me the gift of healing. THIS WAS SOMETHING I ALWAYS PRAYED FOR! I was happy. I was really, really happy.

Then I went out to do some other errands. I guess today wasn't that bad. It might end with a happy ending after all. I got home and started to listen to music as I feel empty. Then I cried. At least I only cried once today. #AchievementUnlocked. I hope that there will come days where I don't cry at all. The reason I cried? I remember memories that hurt me because of ONE OK ROCK's Heartache. Lines were piercing me through such as: "Yeah, I wish that I could do it again." "Turning back the time." It hurts. Then, I felt empty as tears run dry. I hope that someday, I can look back on my past as a happy memory. I hope that when I travel the world someday, I can encourage other people through my stories. I pray that someday, people do not hurt and smile. I pray that someday, everything will be okay.

I am okay right now. And I will change the title of this post. It was originally "Crippling Anxiety", but when I thought back, not everything that happened today rendered me hopeless. There were things I have done, there were thoughts I pondered upon. There were plans I created to become better.

To anyone who has read this, I pray that you are not hurting or crying. I don't know your circumstances but I will be friend.

Please live and smile,
DANA



D/N:

Hello, friends. You can call me Dana. I hope that you are not hurting today. If you are, I pray for your safety. You've done well to endure this far. Please keep living. Have a cup of coffee with me, I will be your friend.

Let's be friends online!

Google+ [https://plus.google.com/+DanaMestiola]
Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/apz_dana/]
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Twitter [https://twitter.com/Apz_Dana]

The 2nd Day - What My Emotions Are

January 2, 2018 - Day 2/365

Time check: 23:56 EST

Last night I was surprised that my posts got views from the other side of the globe. Internet sure is awesome, no? I got audience from Germany, Ukraine, France, U.S. and  Poland. I was literally shaking and stayed awake at 1 am because anxiety paid me a visit.

Then I woke up around 7 am. Yeah, I don't know why either. I stayed in bed - not moving an inch. I stared into space. It was the second day in 2018 and I was empty for 2 hours until my brother knocked on my door to bring me yet another news - a close family friend died. I have weakness for elderly people, so I cried again. I went to the funeral right away.

We hadn't seen each other since like, FOREVER. They said it's like a reunion, because it's the only time in years family has gathered together. Funny, but it's true. My family decided it would be better to stay until the next day because it's not everyday we see each other since we live in different cities.

Then, a group of ladies came in and started "praying". THEY HAD A SCRIPT. It's not that I'm against it or anything. It's just that I thought, "where's the emotion? I feel nothing." I thought it was just me being a cold tofu, but I think otherwise. One lady was speaking fast, the other one had her arms crossed and the other had this expression on her face like, "when is this going to finish?"

Goodness, if they would've have been like that, wouldn't it be better if they recorded it instead? Then I remembered Dr. Bahjat Batarseh's words: PRAY and FAST like never before.

I first did a fast back in May 2017, and I was crying my heart out. There were emotions - love, anger, hope, faith and a lot more. I don't really want to judge, but if you were in my position, well, this were my thoughts after all.

I stayed silent the entire day. It hurts. When I got home, I prayed. I apologized to God. I realize that in a lot of times, I was like the group of people I was with earlier. Praying without any emotions. Though wordings were different, it's still the same. But, I don't want to be complacent. I want to change. I feel so empty until now, but I really do want to wake up one day with a smile on my face. Greet everybody and have breakfast, then go out to have adventures and have a cup of coffee with different people and tell them how I managed to last long. Then I would pray for them, and they would find even a little hope in living. And the cycle goes on.

Pray for me, will you?

I don't know who you are, but to the people who are reading this: I PRAY THAT YOU ARE NOT HURTING.

I will be your friend, so please smile.

Sincerely,
DANA



D/N:

Hello, internet! My name is Dana. I am a Mental Health advocate, a missionary, and a regular person who aims to be a happy person and eventually bring happiness to others.

Let's be friends!

Google+ [https://plus.google.com/+DanaMestiola]
Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/apz_dana/]
Facebook [https://www.facebook.com/ApaulleDanielle/]
Twitter [https://twitter.com/Apz_Dana]

January 1, 2018 - Page 1/365

January 1, 2018

Page 1 of 365

With 2017 behind us, this is a new beginning - well, I believe everyday is a new start. As for me, a lot has happened in 2017.

As I checked Facebook at the end of 2017, people posted things such as: "Let's move on." "Let's leave 2017 to where it belongs - in the past." "Let's forget what happened in 2017 and start anew." Well, I beg to disagree. A lot has happened in 2017 and I have little to no regrets at all. It's hard to explain. This is my first - wait no, second post already. I have no idea what to write, so I think I'll stop thinking and just say whatever I want.

I have regrets. A LOT.

It's hard. I wish I could've done better. I'm such an idiot for wasting so much time on thinking and not actually doing. I think I made this blog website over a year ago and never wrote anything. I have this habit to start things and never finish things. I hate it - I hated myself for it. Reading back, I don't think this post has a flow - and I don't think there'll be any soon. Ugh, I'll just rant here, maybe?

Speaking back on regrets, I've been thinking about what it really means. I call it regrets because I could've done something or become a better person than I was, but thinking back, it was a good thing because it became a lesson and an experience for me. If things hadn't happened back then, this blog website might've been blank forever.

Hmm, speaking on experience - back in February, it was Wednesday, and I remember vividly that it became a perfect day - I was happy, my professor sent me home early, I got home and the weather wasn't bad at all. It was the perfect day for me, I tell you! And then, my mom invited me to the church and because it was a good day, I thought, "why not?" And the worst happened - for the devil, at least. Fast forward and the preacher was asking for an altar call. Guess what? I didn't move forward. Why? For the first time, I had admitted that I was afraid and running away from God's calling. I was scared. I wanted to move forward. REALLY. But, I was scared. My thoughts? This will be the last time God might be calling me, if I don't move forward, He might never call me again. Guess again? The service ended with me being unable to move from my spot. Then the unthinkable happened, someone came to me and told me not to run away. Of course I cried, I'll share this story on another post. Sorry.

Moving forward, I started to fast and I felt an urge to skip this year's semester. What did I do? I prayed for a job - to help my finances, but more because I felt I was lead to do so. I prayed for it. I was accepted at the startup company. It was a good opportunity to raise credentials and positions. The company has fewer than 1,000 employees and I met amazing people. But, eventually I had to leave them after training. We were sent to different teams - by the way, did I mention that it was a call center? No? Okay, it catered to Canada. And in August, I had a customer in Manitoba, and I don't know how our conversation went from business to spiritual. Yes, she was a Christian. She told me she had also talked to a Christian such as myself and promised to send him books. She offered the same thing to me and I said I would contact her. Of course it was against company policies but since I already left, maybe there would be no harm in sharing this? I told her I was a missionary, and that I have a scheduled flight come October (I'll share this on another post again, sorry.) And the story ends by her telling me to get her information and eventually contact her. IT WAS BACK IN AUGUST 2017 AND I HAVEN'T SENT HER ANY LETTERS! What do I do? Will she remember me? Or will her address still be the same? See, this is just one of those regrets that I have.  I left on October and went to Thailand and when I came back to my country? I submitted a resignation letter. Yeah, I was an impulsive person last year - I think I still am.

Then? I spent the last 2 months either at home or at church. I was blessed, and I don't want to think about the mistakes that I made because it'll worry me more. I also have this habit of daydreaming of things so that I can escape reality and be a better person. It made me sadder. Idiot? Yeah, a big idiot I am. I'm happy when I can be happy even in an alternate reality. This is my only coping mechanism to anxiety and depression. What's the harm? At least when I'm done I'm back to my origin self.

So, December came and I had one of the best week this year. We had a raffle at church and I wasn't expecting anything but I won - twice! Awesome, yeah? Then, it ended with a news that shocked me. I lost someone dear to me. I cried and cried every night. I wake up to swollen eyes for 3 straight days. There were things I could've done to prevent their death. But all I can do now is to dream of scenarios where I could've helped them. I'm such a big idiot for sharing this. I don't know what's going to happen, either way I'm doing this because I want to.

December 23 came and I would never forget our preacher's words: "God let them die because their mission is over. This is also so that they won't do anymore sins more than what they have already done. They've accomplished their mission. Don't be sad. Don't worry, your time will also come." Everyone laughed at this but I was holding back my tears.

I woke up to reality.

Did God use their death to wake me up to a bigger realization? A big YES as I think of it. I was a silent lass and I don't show my tears to anyone. They'll judge me for sure, yet here I am saying these things. I started to end the year praying to God to never let me forget their death. There are others who are suffering. And instead of me trying to fix myself first before helping other people, maybe I could use some extra time to help others. So, I really got into a resolution. I'll do the things I promised - I've written it down on another notebook. Will I share it? Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows?

New Year's Eve came. Did I stay awake? No, I went into my room to cry again. I don't know why. One moment I'm happy and then the next, I'm crying. Weird, isn't it? I fell asleep crying and I woke up to the sound of fireworks. I looked at my watch and it was 12:00 am MNL / January 1, 2018.

I started the year with a prayer. I was sobbing but not as much. I told God about my dreams. I told Him about my wishes and how I wanted to do those things for Him, then for other people.

I had regrets. A LOT.

But as I finished my prayer, I felt somehow at peace. Maybe because I wanted to go back to sleep, or maybe because God started to work in me. Now, I want to move forward and become more responsible, so that I can look back on those regrets and change them into happy memories. A lot happened today. I cried while writing the last part of this post. I remembered my friend, but I don't plan on forgetting. I went back on the startups that I got into. I plan to continue them. #MentalHealth and #ChristianMentality are two of those of which I support.

Pray for me, will you?

Thanks a lot. I feel like a stone got out of me. Maybe continuing to rant here about all my thoughts might be helpful after all. Then, maybe at the end of 2018, all of the stones inside me will fall out and nothing will be left.

I pray for all those who have read this. Even though my post was probably nonsense or not worth reading or posting, thanks for your attention anyway.

To everyone, I pray that you are not hurting. And remember that no matter what circumstances you are going through, it is not insignificant. YOU MATTER. It's okay to cry. It's okay not to be okay.

I will be a friend, and I will keep you in my prayers.

I love you with all my heart, I mean this.

Always smile,

Dana

Hello! You guys can call me DANA. I am a Mental Health advocate, a missionary, and a regular person who aims to be a happy person and eventually bring happiness to others.

Let's connect online!

Google+ [https://plus.google.com/+DanaMestiola]

Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/apz_dana/]

Facebook [https://www.facebook.com/ApaulleDanielle/]

Twitter [https://twitter.com/Apz_Dana]

DREAMS: An Understanding

DREAMS

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” – Philippians 4:8


Dreams, in general, is a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person’s mind during sleep and contemplates the possibility of doing something.

The Scriptures say that once the Holy Spirit entered into us, it influences our soul that extends to its sleeping as well as its waking thoughts.

Question: What is the difference between DREAMS and VISIONS?

Dreams happen in sleep; Visions are dreams that happen in our wake. (a.k.a. waking dreams)

Dreams, however, are not vehicles of divine revelations. (e.g. fortune telling, etc.) The Bible warns us that God is against them.

“Behold, I am against those who prophesied false dreams”, declares the Lord”
Jeremiah 23:32a

So, what should we dream about?

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”
Philippians 4:8

Libre ang mangarap [Dreaming is free]. A lot of people dream. And that’s the end of it. Why? Because of fear. It blocks their ability to believe in themselves.

Everyone dreams – worldly ones (e.g. “I want to be rich”, etc.). Christians? I think they have the same thoughts most of the time. They are afraid to dream Spirituals dreams and change the world because they fear persecution. They are afraid of these dreams of connecting heaven to earth because their lives would run differently, and they think they don’t have the enough potential to do something because they don’t know where to begin and how to begin in. but God has a solution to this – His supernatural powers.

God has a dream for every person’s life.

“For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11

Joseph was 17 years old when God gave him a world-changing dream (Ref.: Gen. 37:5). God told Abram that he will be the father of all nations (Ref.: Gen. 15). God appeared to Abimelech in his dream to tell him not to touch Sarah (Ref.: Gen. 20).

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew [chose] you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
Jeremiah 1:5

God is not speaking to one being, He is speaking to each one of us.

Question: What is God’s dream?

“However, as it is written: “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived” – the things God has prepared for those who love Him –.”
1 Corinthians 2:9

This is why we hear a lot of testimonies saying, “Hindi ko inakala na mangyayari ito.” ["I never thought this would happen."] because it always comes to us in a surprise.

Lesson learned: God loves to surprise us.

So, if 1 Corinthians 2:9 is telling the truth, then how do we know God’s dream for us?

“Ask and it will be given to you; Seek and you will find; Knock and the door will be opened to you.”
Matthew 7:7

How do we do this? By praying. If nothing is revealed, we should not worry. As I said, God loves to surprise us.

“For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and not delay.”
Habakkuk 2:3

“I received it now, but nothing happened. What should I do?” Like it is written, we should wait for it because it is sure to come.

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.”
Ecclesiastes 3:1

When the time comes, we should not doubt and be afraid, for God promised us,

“Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 1:6

What is your dream?
—
D/N [Dana's Note]:

Hello everyone! This is my first post here on this blog! I hope that you will support me despite 'upcoming' lapses - there's always room for improvement, right? Anyway, just to give you guys a heads up, I will be posting random things about my life and experiences - depending on what my "theme of the day" is? Also, I'm VERY RANDOM, I can just post a word or phrase and that will be it - I swear! Well, posting words would be overreacting, but, as always, I'll try my best to update just so I can share my day with you! Hoping for more interactions! God bless and see you again!

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