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With 2017 behind us, this is a new beginning - well, I believe everyday is a new start. As for me, a lot has happened in 2017.
As I checked Facebook at the end of 2017, people posted things such as: "Let's move on." "Let's leave 2017 to where it belongs - in the past." "Let's forget what happened in 2017 and start anew." Well, I beg to disagree. A lot has happened in 2017 and I have little to no regrets at all. It's hard to explain. This is my first - wait no, second post already. I have no idea what to write, so I think I'll stop thinking and just say whatever I want.
I have regrets. A LOT.
It's hard. I wish I could've done better. I'm such an idiot for wasting so much time on thinking and not actually doing. I think I made this blog website over a year ago and never wrote anything. I have this habit to start things and never finish things. I hate it - I hated myself for it. Reading back, I don't think this post has a flow - and I don't think there'll be any soon. Ugh, I'll just rant here, maybe?
Speaking back on regrets, I've been thinking about what it really means. I call it regrets because I could've done something or become a better person than I was, but thinking back, it was a good thing because it became a lesson and an experience for me. If things hadn't happened back then, this blog website might've been blank forever.
Hmm, speaking on experience - back in February, it was Wednesday, and I remember vividly that it became a perfect day - I was happy, my professor sent me home early, I got home and the weather wasn't bad at all. It was the perfect day for me, I tell you! And then, my mom invited me to the church and because it was a good day, I thought, "why not?" And the worst happened - for the devil, at least. Fast forward and the preacher was asking for an altar call. Guess what? I didn't move forward. Why? For the first time, I had admitted that I was afraid and running away from God's calling. I was scared. I wanted to move forward. REALLY. But, I was scared. My thoughts? This will be the last time God might be calling me, if I don't move forward, He might never call me again. Guess again? The service ended with me being unable to move from my spot. Then the unthinkable happened, someone came to me and told me not to run away. Of course I cried, I'll share this story on another post. Sorry.
Moving forward, I started to fast and I felt an urge to skip this year's semester. What did I do? I prayed for a job - to help my finances, but more because I felt I was lead to do so. I prayed for it. I was accepted at the startup company. It was a good opportunity to raise credentials and positions. The company has fewer than 1,000 employees and I met amazing people. But, eventually I had to leave them after training. We were sent to different teams - by the way, did I mention that it was a call center? No? Okay, it catered to Canada. And in August, I had a customer in Manitoba, and I don't know how our conversation went from business to spiritual. Yes, she was a Christian. She told me she had also talked to a Christian such as myself and promised to send him books. She offered the same thing to me and I said I would contact her. Of course it was against company policies but since I already left, maybe there would be no harm in sharing this? I told her I was a missionary, and that I have a scheduled flight come October (I'll share this on another post again, sorry.) And the story ends by her telling me to get her information and eventually contact her. IT WAS BACK IN AUGUST 2017 AND I HAVEN'T SENT HER ANY LETTERS! What do I do? Will she remember me? Or will her address still be the same? See, this is just one of those regrets that I have. I left on October and went to Thailand and when I came back to my country? I submitted a resignation letter. Yeah, I was an impulsive person last year - I think I still am.
Then? I spent the last 2 months either at home or at church. I was blessed, and I don't want to think about the mistakes that I made because it'll worry me more. I also have this habit of daydreaming of things so that I can escape reality and be a better person. It made me sadder. Idiot? Yeah, a big idiot I am. I'm happy when I can be happy even in an alternate reality. This is my only coping mechanism to anxiety and depression. What's the harm? At least when I'm done I'm back to my origin self.
So, December came and I had one of the best week this year. We had a raffle at church and I wasn't expecting anything but I won - twice! Awesome, yeah? Then, it ended with a news that shocked me. I lost someone dear to me. I cried and cried every night. I wake up to swollen eyes for 3 straight days. There were things I could've done to prevent their death. But all I can do now is to dream of scenarios where I could've helped them. I'm such a big idiot for sharing this. I don't know what's going to happen, either way I'm doing this because I want to.
December 23 came and I would never forget our preacher's words: "God let them die because their mission is over. This is also so that they won't do anymore sins more than what they have already done. They've accomplished their mission. Don't be sad. Don't worry, your time will also come." Everyone laughed at this but I was holding back my tears.
I woke up to reality.
Did God use their death to wake me up to a bigger realization? A big YES as I think of it. I was a silent lass and I don't show my tears to anyone. They'll judge me for sure, yet here I am saying these things. I started to end the year praying to God to never let me forget their death. There are others who are suffering. And instead of me trying to fix myself first before helping other people, maybe I could use some extra time to help others. So, I really got into a resolution. I'll do the things I promised - I've written it down on another notebook. Will I share it? Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows?
New Year's Eve came. Did I stay awake? No, I went into my room to cry again. I don't know why. One moment I'm happy and then the next, I'm crying. Weird, isn't it? I fell asleep crying and I woke up to the sound of fireworks. I looked at my watch and it was 12:00 am MNL / January 1, 2018.
I started the year with a prayer. I was sobbing but not as much. I told God about my dreams. I told Him about my wishes and how I wanted to do those things for Him, then for other people.
I had regrets. A LOT.
But as I finished my prayer, I felt somehow at peace. Maybe because I wanted to go back to sleep, or maybe because God started to work in me. Now, I want to move forward and become more responsible, so that I can look back on those regrets and change them into happy memories. A lot happened today. I cried while writing the last part of this post. I remembered my friend, but I don't plan on forgetting. I went back on the startups that I got into. I plan to continue them. #MentalHealth and #ChristianMentality are two of those of which I support.
Pray for me, will you?
Thanks a lot. I feel like a stone got out of me. Maybe continuing to rant here about all my thoughts might be helpful after all. Then, maybe at the end of 2018, all of the stones inside me will fall out and nothing will be left.
I pray for all those who have read this. Even though my post was probably nonsense or not worth reading or posting, thanks for your attention anyway.
To everyone, I pray that you are not hurting. And remember that no matter what circumstances you are going through, it is not insignificant. YOU MATTER. It's okay to cry. It's okay not to be okay.
I will be a friend, and I will keep you in my prayers.
I love you with all my heart, I mean this.
Always smile,
Dana
Hello! You guys can call me DANA. I am a Mental Health advocate, a missionary, and a regular person who aims to be a happy person and eventually bring happiness to others.
Let's connect online!
Google+ [https://plus.google.com/+DanaMestiola]
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